A Long Trip Alone

It's been a while! 
& I've been CRAZY!

I got engaged. November 30, 2012. Wedding set… May 19th, 2013. Graduating… May 3rd, 2013. 
That seems insane, even to me… & I'm the one who planned it all. My life has never been more hectic. I've got 15 hours of classes, an internship at a preschool teaching 3 year olds, I'm planning my own wedding, I graduate in a month, not to mention the idea of being married is still settling into my head. 
But this… this is not what I want to blog about, because these are things I think about every single day, all day long… so I'm blogging to escape from that. Moving on. 

So, I'm sitting here. With an exam on Thursday.. obviously not studying. I can't help but to think of everything that is about to change. & that thought is a scary one. I'm getting married.. MARRIED! That's insane. INSANE! I love the idea, and I can't wait for it to happen.. but it's still foreign territory if ya know what I mean. I love Riley, I love him more than I have ever loved anyone in my whole life (except for Paul… that little boy just has my heart).  I love the way he gets protective when a guy at a bar tries to talk to me, the way he will do whatever I want whenever I want majority of the time, the way he is so willing to just do, just do anything for me as long as it's plausible. I love how he tries to sing but isn't really good at it haha, & how dedicated he is to anything and everything he feels responsible for, even when it's his overbearing job or Alabama football; but with those things comes his dedication to me. He is so dedicated, & I love that. The way he snores at night, which can sometimes be frustrating, but other times… it's comforting, knowing that someone I love so much & who loves me so much is right beside me. The way he cooks… he's a good cook, even if everything he cooks has the same spices. I like that. He's thoughtful & nice & respecting & handsome & funny & cute & all other wonderful things. & I love him for all of it. 

Now, moving past that rampage…

In 31 days I'll be moving out of my apartment. The apartment that I have lived in for my whole college career. Everything about my "grown up" life has happened here. First party. First time drunk. First night alone. First all nighter. First time trying to cook for myself. First time having the fire alarm go off. First time being genuinely lonely. First time meeting roommates. First time loving my roommates. First time hating my roommates. First time buying groceries for myself (which I still despise). First time gaining 30 pounds because I don't know how to cook. First time at college. First time missing a class. First failed exam. First aced exam. First time losing a best friend. First time calling mom at 3AM. I could go on… but needless to say, I am attached to this place. & although I have said a thousand times how much I hate it, I do call it home for now. 

My parents and Riley's parents and Riley keep telling me to start packing. Start bringing stuff home… they don't realize that I'm not sure I want to just yet. The day I bring home a load of stuff is the day reality sets in, & that opens a lot of doors I don't want to face. Like getting a real job, or not having a 2 hour drive ahead of me anymore (which I know I mainly hate, but it's also refreshing). Bringing home my stuff yells "Michelle! It's time to be grown up now! It's time to get a job! It's time to get married! It's time to pay for yourself!" & that my friends, is a huge slap in the face by what we call REALITY. & it's a bit intimidating. 

With all of this being said… I think you can tell that I'm a bit uneasy about all of these transitions that are about to take a toll on my life. I think anyone will agree that it's a huge step. That it's scary & happy & intimidating & exciting all at the same time. All of these emotions mixed together can make a super crazy Michelle though, let me tell ya. I find myself rarely sleeping & eating foods that a real bad for me.. (like this ginormous Easter Bunny which is solid chocolate). I can't study because I want to plan a wedding. I can't plan a wedding because it's overwhelming. I'm overwhelmed so I can't focus on anything. I can't focus so nothing gets done. It's a vicious cycle. Maybe in 31 days it will end. Or maybe in 31 days I'll have a meltdown. OR maybe in 31 days I'll love life a lot more. Or maybe I'll hate it. I guess I'll find out soon enough (31 days to be exact). 

If you're reading this, which you're probably not because no one reads this thing, then just wish me luck, or pray for me if you're into that. I need any and all good vibes that can be sent my way, because my life is a quite the roller coaster & I'm ready to be at the top, so that the anticipation can be put to rest, & I can just be excited all the way down. 

Because I can't say this over the phone...

 If you're reading this,  

     The one thing I want right now, more than anything in the entire world, is for you to be you again. Going through so much, for so long, I'm ready for it to be over. I miss our friendship; driving home from school, windows down, music blaring, singing out our lungs. All the clothes that we borrowed from each other, or stole... I miss that too. I remember when you used to try and teach me guitar... too bad I got all the athletic genes and you got the musical ones. I used to absolutely hate having to go to all those operas while you were in college; but if I could, I would take listening to those concerts everyday if it meant having things back to how they used to be. When we used to take stupid pictures, or make dumb videos of us singing the Dixie Chicks... those are the times I remember. I want more of that.
     I understand that things change. Everyone grows up, we all move on... but you're one person who I wish I never had to move on from. I shouldn't have to. After everything that has happened, after being torn apart time and time again, I still just want you back in my life. Whether it's the old you, or a new you, I don't care... I dream of the days that we can be best friends again. I don't want to wake up one morning and realize that this much of my life has passed me by and we never mended back together.
     It's one thing to lose my best friend, but for it to be my sister too... that's one thing I don't want to have to regret for the rest of my life.

It's called a job...

    I got my job back, at Men's Wearhouse.  I love this job, I really do. However, I'm 3 weeks in and I am EXHAUSTED.  Now, I am at home more than I'm at college. I'm on the road more than I sleep. I work more than I study. Who knew that working 2 hours from where I live could be so rough? I guess I had an idea... I knew this would happen. Which it's fine, I am keeping my grades up and I get to see my boyfriend more... kinda. I get to see my momma more... which I know makes her happy. I'm making enough money to keep me happy. But gosh darn it's almost not worth it. I am tired... no, exhausted. I'll make sure I don't go stir crazy... and if that starts too happen, then back to the normal Tallahassee life I go.   Which would stink, because I love being around my sister and nephew more than anything in the world, and I don't want to give that up.  I'm pretty sure that without those two people in my life, I wouldn't be half of who I am, and that's enough for me too keep traveling back and forth. This is nuts.

The Future Life of... ME!

     I've recently become much more aware of my future. Too be honest, it's freaking me out. I've applied to nursing school, but the chances of me being accepted are about... 1 in 40. If I don't get in? Yeah... I'm still working on that.

I could be a therapist... but I hate listening to people whine.

I could be a social worker... but I don't enjoy sad situations.

I could run a day care... but I would like to enjoy having my own kids one day.

I could drop out and work with my sister making cakes... but my dad would have a fit.

I could go to law school... but who am I kidding?! I don't take criticism well, at all.

I could be a physical therapist... but I don't want to massage old people's rumps all day everyday.

I could be a writer... but I don't enjoy writing.

I could be a real estate agent... but that doesn't sound like much fun, & plus dad does that... I don't want to ever work as much as he does.

I could just give up and travel the world... but without a job, I have no funds. Not to mention I've never been on an airplane... so that's high dreamin.

I could be a teacher... I would love to be a teacher. More than anything.

That's what I'll do... if I get denied from nursing school I'll become a teacher. Dad might not be too thrilled, but I will be... that matters too, right?

missing bedtime.

I had an eight o' clock bedtime for about a week. That didn't last... it's 8:30 and I'm writing a blog. Go figure. I don't really want to write, I want to make lists... so:

I miss:

• Mom
• Dad
• Jessica
• Home
• Holly
• Basketball
• The beach
• Being carefree, I shouldn't have taken it for granted

Things I've learned so far in college:

• Always have an umbrella.
• Don't wear white when it rains.
• Don't stand on your bed, the fan hurts.
• Eat before you drink.
• Don't be oblivious.
• Pay attention to road signs.
• Drive on the correct side of the road.
• Always have a GPS.
• Don't run past sunset.
• Sleep, is cherished.
• Don't set off the smoke alarm at 6AM.
• Class is important.
• Mom is always there, even at 3AM.
• Check for holds BEFORE registration.
• Tell people you love them, daily.
• I love small churches.

I'm going home tomorrow, and I can't wait. It's sad, I go home quite frequently and I get excited every single time. I guess it's true when they say home is where the heart is. 

beginning.

It's almost 3AM and I'm sitting up alone, procrastinating on my biology homework... this is my life.
A freshman in college, and hardly any friends. I am always wishing I could be home with my family and friends, and because of this, I go home almost every weekend. Come to speak of it, I'm at my sister's right now, and even though she is asleep, I still feel more comfortable than I would in Tallahassee. As you go through high school and you get in little arguments with your parents, you always wish and pray that you could be on your own, but when that time truly hits you, it's like a brick wall. You want nothing more than to be able to go back to high school and be care free, and that's what I wish for, everyday and every night. I know I sound like such a drama queen, and a complainer, and to be honest I am. Only because I'm not exactly satisfied with where I am. I like it, sometimes... and I love being able to make my own decisions, but the loneliness kinda wins the war.
I plan to blog whenever I feel the need, which could be 3 times a day or 3 times a month, but either way, you'll know exactly how I feel, because I plan to write the truth.


My wish list consists of:
Closer friends.
A chance to see Kyle one last time.
An average GPA after this awful semester.